FOR THE LAST TIME, STOP THROWING DRACO AT ME!
by Rubi Maia Granger Wexler
Summary: Short (Okay... maybe not so short), strange, sugar-induced. What more can I say? Now rated PG-13 for just the little smidgen of language, but you never can be too careful these days... Tenth Chapter Up!
1. In Which Hermione Goes Medieval on All

Chapter One--In Which Hermione Goes Medieval on Everyone's Butts  
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco were sitting in the Gryffindor common room for no apparent reason. They were bored, and Dumbledore was dead. Now they had to find a new headmaster!  
  
Technically, Professor McGonagall was supposed to be headmistress, but she quit teaching to pursue her lifelong dream of becoming a pro wrestler. Her name is 'Professor McCrusher' now.  
  
"I'll be headmaster!" yelled Gilderoy Lockhart. Fawkes the phoenix flew through the window and ate him. Everyone celebrated.  
  
"Yay! Lockhart's dead!" Ron said. A banana peel hit him on the head. "Hey, a banana peel hit me on the head!" He screamed.  
  
Draco turned into a cat. "Well dang," said Draco.  
  
Hermione screamed, "I'll be headmistress!" She scooped up Draco and climbed onto the Headmistress Throne that magically appeared. "Now, you have to put on a play for me."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I said so. Now ACT!" Hermione conjured up a scepter with a golden welding torch at the end of it.  
  
So the whole Gryffindor house tried putting on a production of Cinderella for Hermione. To make a long story short, they sucked. Hermione threw Draco at Ron.  
  
"AAAHHH!!" said Draco just before he smacked into Ron's noggin.  
  
"Hehe. Noggin. That's a fun word." Harry laughed.  
  
"Stoppit!" Hermione threw Draco at Harry.  
  
"Hey! Stop throwing me at people!" Draco said.  
  
Hermione threw Draco at a wall. Draco was now unconscious many times over.  
  
Just then, Hagrid came bursting in. "Where're me muffins!? I left 'em in this here classroom, but they're no' in me hut."  
  
A loud burp came from the boy's dorm, and Neville came down the steps, dropping muffin crumbs everywhere. "Too late."  
  
Fawkes flew through the window again and ate Hagrid.  
  
"We have GOT to do something about that guy," said Harry. Hermione threw Draco at him. "Stop throwing Draco at me!" Harry yelled. Hermione picked up Colin Creevey and threw him at the wall. Colin took a picture of the brick just before he smashed through it, landing in the lake.  
  
"Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeperrrsss!" Everyone heard Colin yell, followed closely by a humongous splash. A tidal wave engulfed the school, and the Gryffindors had to stand on Hermione's throne to keep dry.  
  
Draco was on Hermione's head. He was awake now, and screamed as Hermione picked him up and hurled him at the chandelier.  
  
"This is MY throne, now everybody off!" She yelled. Ron pushed her off of the throne into 100-foot deep water.  
  
But luckily, Hermione was an avid subscriber to Bungee Cords Weekly (All Bungee Cords, All the Time), so she bungeed back up and slammed into the ceiling. "Ow," she said weakly, before dropping back onto the throne.  
  
"Ha ha," Ron laughed as Hermione picked herself up from the seat of the throne and a screaming cat dropped on her head, along with a chunk of plaster.  
  
Hermione threw Draco at him. 


	2. Cat Lovers Beware!

Chapter Two-- Cat Lovers Beware!  
  
Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Draco (No longer a cat, but merely a rather bruised arch-enemy) were sitting in the Great Hall during lunch. For some reason, they were at the same table, and I don't wish to explain any further.  
  
It was decided that Professor Snape would be the new headmaster, so basically the school was going down the crapper, if you'll excuse my Finnish. I think.  
  
"Today, we will be taking points from Gryffindor and making me a crown, because I said so! 200 ZILLION points from Gryffindor!" Snape said. A tomato hit him in the face. "Who threw that tomato!?" he yelled.  
  
Draco, to everyone's surprise, stood up. He almost fell over and broke his hip (again), but he stood up. "I did!"  
  
Snape turned him into a cat.  
  
"This most definitely sucks," said Draco as Hermione, instincts taking over, slammed him into Fred Weasley's noggin.  
  
"Hehe, noggin, that's a fun-"  
  
"SHUT IT, HARRY!!"  
  
Anyway, Snape was not at all happy about having fresh produce thrown at him. So he wiped the soggy tomato juice off his face and threw it at Draco. Draco didn't feel a thing, as he was unconscious. Fred Weasley, however, definitely felt a wad of tomato connect with his ear. He reacted by throwing Draco at Snape.  
  
Draco woke up. "AAAAAHHHHH-"  
  
BAM. Fred missed, and Draco was catapulted instead into a portrait of Gandalf the Grey. The last thing he thought before touchdown was 'Hey, I think that guy has a wart.'  
  
Percy Weasley came running into the Hall, waving his arms rapidly. "Help, help, someone told me a joke and I DON'T GET IT!!!"  
  
Hermione jumped up and threw him bodily to the floor. "What was the joke?"  
  
"'Why did the chicken cross the road?' 'To get to the other side.' I DON'T GET IT!! Help meeeeee.." Percy then proceeded to curl up on the floor in the fetal position and suck his thumb.  
  
Everyone, in unison, smacked their foreheads and turned Percy into a ferret.  
  
Draco wobbled over to Ferret-Percy. "Hey, bro! High-five."  
  
Percy threw him at the wall. Everyone applauded politely, and voted for Percy as Mr. Ferret Universe.  
  
Just then Mad-Eye Moody came bursting into the room, and everyone ran for cover. The only one still in the open was Percy the Ferret-Boy. Upon seeing Moody, Percy's poor fur all turned white.  
  
"Yaaaahhh!! White ferret!! MUST... BOUNCE!!" Moody pulled out his wand and made the ferret bounce off the ground, going higher into the air and coming back to earth with a resounding SMACK.  
  
But no one stopped him in time, and Percy went too high, SMACKing into the magically enchanted ceiling.  
  
"That's my brother, you dimwit!" Ron yelled, catching Percy so he didn't SMACK on the floor again.  
  
Moody turned Ron into a cat. Then he turned Crabbe and Goyle into cats, and then Madam Hooch. All the cats just stood still, not knowing what to do.  
  
Back at the edge of the hall, Fred and George Weasley were trying to restrain Hermione by slapping her with live tuna.  
  
For Hermy, however, cat-throwing instincts were dominant, and the smack of the fish across her face was but nothing compared to the will to slam feline animals into walls. "MUST...THROW...CATS!!" She burst free of the fish-slapping twins and ran willy-nilly to the middle of the Hall. "YYYAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
Crabbe, Goyle, Ron, Draco, and Madam Hooch screamed bloody cat murder and tried to run, but Hermione was too quick for them.  
  
Hermione flung Madam Hooch into Moody's face, threw Draco and Ron into a bowl of pumpkin juice, and Crabbe was soon clinging to the chandeliers. She punted Goyle halfway across the room, and he sounded and looked like one of those 'Screeching footballs' that were so popular a year ago. Fur flew, and within two minutes the cats were all rendered unconscious. Many students fled the Hall in fear of Hermione's cat-oriented rage.  
  
In a flash of Moody's amused and torturous mind, half the people remaining Great Hall were turned into cats.  
  
Hermione stared for a second or two. ".CCAAAATTSSS!!!"  
  
The people that were now cats screeched and ran up the draperies. Snape called for order, just as Hermione began scaling the hangings.  
  
"I call for order!" yelled Snape. Fawkes flew through the window and almost ate him, but quickly spit him back out because he was much too greasy for Fawkes' tastes, thank-you-very-much.  
  
Fred and George ran over to Hermione, dragged her down from the drapes, and started slapping her with tuna again. Ron handed out tuna to all the non-feline students, and they joined in, especially those who were cat-lovers.  
  
"Ha ha!" Percy the ferret stood up weakly at Hermione being beaten up by half the school armed with fish and laughed.  
  
Fawkes flew through the window and ate him. 


	3. The Return of McCrusher!

A/N: Moohaha!! Now to continue my Hungarian rendition of the Song That Never Ends!!  
  
All: That's not what you were doing!!  
  
Ohh yeah, huh? I was writing a story! About Hermione and her cat-throwing ancestry!  
  
Random Messenger: Delivery!! Delivery for Llama Bob!!  
  
That would be me! *Waves at Random Messenger*  
  
Random Messenger: *Throws the keys to a truckload of sugar at Rubi and/or Llama Bob* Bye! *Waves at camera on his way out*  
  
*Catches the keys and reads the card* 'From nox.' YAY! Thanks, nox! And now. for the story!  
  
****** Chapter Three-- The Return of McCrusher  
  
Now, naturally, when Professor McGon-- I mean, Professor McCrusher heard about Hermione's cat-throwing obsession, she was miffed. Being a cat animagus herself, you know. So she packed up her stuff, moved back to Hogwarts, and became Headmistress.  
  
Almost.  
  
For you see, Hermione wasn't too keen upon giving up her Headmistress throne. And Snape, to everyone's vast surprise, had flat-out died. Too many cats to the head, I suppose. Or perhaps almost being eaten by Fawkes had given him a heart attack. To be honest, nobody really cared. He was buried under the Dungeons, which were then caved in so he couldn't get out, should he suddenly come alive for some reason.  
  
McCrusher arrived at Hogwarts in the midst of a giant party. A group of students had TP'ed the Whomping Willow (Resulting in the deaths and/or concussions of many first-years) and rock music was blasting from the Great Hall. The remaining teachers, it appeared, had barricaded themselves in the greenhouses.  
  
"Yo, it's Professor McGonagall back from Iceland!" Yelled Harry, who was standing on top of the Gryffindor table acting as deejay.  
  
"It's Professor McCrusher, Harry dear."  
  
Suddenly a cat (Draco, in fact) flew over everyone's collective heads and smacked McCrusher in the face. Hermione climbed up the draperies on the side of the Hall and sat on the curtain rail, making herself a pair of cat ears and a tail. Actually, she'd stolen the tail from the London production of the musical CATS (Which had been a horrid disaster because. you know), but was just saying that she'd made it.  
  
McCrusher looked up at her. "You threw that cat! I challenge you to... a wrestling match!"  
  
The music stopped with a scratch. Everyone in the hall stared in silence as Hermione scrabbled down the curtains (Falling halfway and landing on Draco) and stood in front of McCrusher, chewing on a piece of catnip. "I accept."  
  
"Oh, goody." McCrusher wasted no time in conjuring up a wrestling ring (Squashing a few students in the process) and running off to her old office to change into her new wrestling uniform. Hermione dashed off to the Gryffindor girls' dormitory, broke up the game of Truth-or-Dare that was going on, and began making a proper wrestling outfit appear.  
  
=========~~*~*~**  
  
Twenty minutes later, the tables in the Great Hall had been replaced by bleachers to seat the entire school, all cats had been locked up in the Slytherin common room (except for one, who had insisted upon watching the cat-thrower get 'slaughtered'-this was Draco, of course). Harry was selling tickets and Ron was running a concession stand, and many people were soon in dire need of the bathroom. A few of the teachers were even there, albeit looking mighty jumpy.  
  
Then, Hermione was lowered into the ring on a rope from the ceiling. She was wearing a white unitard with matching leg- and arm warmers (Also stolen from the set of CATS) and black knee-high leather boots, with her cat tail on a wide belt around her waist. Her cat ears were now made of aluminum for some reason, and a string of fake pearls was dangling from her (real) ears--from one to the other behind her head--as a sort of fancy earring that could also be used as a lethal weapon. She had also magicked cat makeup onto her face that could only be washed off with a spell. Her long, bushy hair was pulled back in a high ponytail.  
  
"Ooooooh... Aaaaaahhhhh...." The Hall was in awe. Hermione bowed and took her place in one corner of the ring, blowing kisses to a few boys.  
  
An hour later, Hermione was still in her corner, now playing paddleball, and everyone was still waiting for Professor McCrusher to arrive. Finally, she did, on a glitzy rope from the ceiling.  
  
Professor McCrusher's outfit was a sickly green unitard with gold shiny stars on it, a tutu-like skirt, and purple pantyhose. She was also wearing huge black combat boots and had her hair up in a grey bun at the back of her head. She had also used irremovable makeup-two black stars around her eyes. A pink headband with antenna-like attachments was dangling off of her head. The overall impression was a bit... well....  
  
"Aahhh!! It buurrns!!" The Hall was clutching their eyes and rolling on the floor in agony. McCrusher gave them the finger.  
  
"Professor!" Hermione yelled indignantly. "That is not how you treat your fans!"  
  
"Tell it to a wrestler who cares!!" Countered McCrusher as she barreled towards Hermione..  
  
***TO BE CONTINUED*** 


	4. The Plot Thickens Or Rather, Appears

A/N: Since I ended with a bit of a cliffhanger, I'll just start right where we left off.... And OH YEAH, eh-hehe, I'm putting myself in my own story, as well as four of nox's characters. *Grins innocently* What?? I'm the one writing this junk I call a story...  
  
******  
  
"Professor!" Hermione yelled indignantly. "That is not how you treat your fans!"  
  
"Tell it to a wrestler who cares!!" Countered McCrusher as she barreled towards Hermione....  
  
****** Chapter Four: The Outcome of the Wrestling Match and the Plot Thickens-- Or Rather, Appears for the First Time  
  
...who quickly sidestepped the ex-teacher, causing her to slam into the rubber railing.  
  
The entire hall cheered, and Harry, who had given up deejay-ing in pursuit of commentating, yelled every millisecond of the happenings into a bullhorn. God help us.  
  
McCrusher had Hermione in a fierce feline headlock, while Hermione desperately tried to pick up the cat-teacher and chuck her at someone's head.  
  
Crusher broke away from Hermione, and-- pulled out her wand! Hey, that's not in the rules!!  
  
"Shut up, I'm a wrestler!!" McCrusher yelled at the narrator. "Serpensortia!"  
  
A giant snake flew out of her wand and landed in front of Hermione, who immediately whipped off her pearl-strand-earring-  
  
"OWW!!"  
  
What NOW?  
  
"Whipping out the earring... that hurts, dammit!" Hermione screamed heavenward.  
  
Oh fine, the narrator said... but this is the last time. I can't stand repeating myself.  
  
A giant snake flew out of Crusher's wand and landed in front of Hermione, who carefully and painlessly took off her pearl-strand-earring, and, using it like a rather glamorous whip, flung the snake across the hall, where it landed on Justin Finch-Fletchley and choked him to death.  
  
"Sorry!" Hermione yelled at Justin, just as she had to go head-to- head with the ex-deputy-headmistress, using a false earring/lethal weapon.  
  
'I know!' McCrusher thought. 'I'll transfigure into a cat! Ha, what a stroke of genius!'  
  
So she did. (Her costume shrunk to fit, by the way.)  
  
Which was a baaaadd idea.  
  
For as soon as she did, something in Hermione snapped. She now saw nothing but cats. Grey cats were staring at her from outside the ring, along with orange cats that were hanging off of the draperies and black-and- white spotted cats that were meowing at her, saying, "Hermione! Hermione! You need to throw us ALL out the windows! And into the ceiling! It's in your BLOOD! You have cat-throwing ancestry in your VEINS! And ARTERIES! And- " The narrator shut them all up with her electric can opener.  
  
Hermione went mad. She picked up a screaming McCrusher and whammed her into the mat, then jumped out of the ring and went berserk, throwing every 'cat' into another 'cat' until she could be restrained by Fred, George, and their Amazing Healing Tuna Fish (Only $10 on E-bay!).  
  
Harry rubbed his sore noggin. "We have to do something about her... Did I mention, hehe... noggin is a fun- AWWK!!"  
  
Everyone in the Great Hall hexed him in unison. The Potter...thing slithered over to a corner and stayed there for most of the chapter.  
  
Fred and George tied, chained, and double-bolted a screaming Hermione to a chair and covered her neck-deep in fresh tuna. "That should hold her."  
  
Hermione began screaming curses at no one in particular at the top of her lungs until Fred gagged her with a spare tuna.  
  
Ron, still in bruised-and-battered cat form, walked over. "So, what do we do now??"  
  
Professor Sprout came in from the greenhouses just then, surveyed the damage, and conjured up a bottle of bright fuchsia and lime green-swirled liquid, looking concerned. "Oh dear... I heard about Hermione's knack for throwing things, but this is just horrid... Anyway, what I have here is a serum that should help her resist the cat-throwing gene that makes her want to hurl Draco out the window and drop-kick one of his cronies across the room..."  
  
Draco, at that moment, came wobbling over on his three broken paws and looked up at Sprout. "Oh, joy--the Mudblood'll be better. I'm SAFE!"  
  
Sprout picked him up and drop-kicked him out the window. Draco could be heard screaming "MRRRWWEEEEERRRRRROOOOWWWWWRR-" SPLASH.  
  
Sprout dusted off her hands and picked up the vial once again. "Now, that takes care of that." The students could only stare as she walked calmly over to Hermione and started pouring the bottle of ugly liquid down her throat.  
  
Hermione went berserk, and swiped the vial out of Sprout's hand when it was about halfway gone. The vial flew out of the window, into the lake, and landed on a rather soggy Draco's head.  
  
Meanwhile, inside, Hermione was just staring up at the crowd around her. Some fuchsia potion dribbled down her chin, and fragrant smoke poured out of her ears--lime from one ear, raspberry from the other.  
  
Harry amazingly changed back into a human being and lost a few brain cells as he step-danced over to Professor Sprout. "Hehe, Hermione smells like a limeberry! And noggin's a fun word."  
  
"SHUT UP!!"  
  
Professor Sprout went out of the room for a few minutes and returned with a very angry-looking Mrs. Norris. Everyone held their breath. Of course, they all hated Mrs. Norris, and didn't give a damn what had happened to Mr. Norris, so secretly they all wished in a way that the potion hadn't worked.  
  
"Look Hermione," said Prof. Sprout, holding Mrs. Norris about two inches away from the girl's face, "it's a caaaattt..."  
  
Nothing happened. Hermione drooled a little, but that was about it.  
  
"Hmm. Well, it must've worked then," said Fred, as he and George started washing away the mound of tuna that surrounded Hermione.  
  
Professor Sprout studied Hermione's face. There was nothing on her clueless-looking face to show that the concoction had worked, but then, there was nothing on the face to show that her brain had not turned into cottage cheese.  
  
"We need to test it."  
  
"Didn't you already test it, with Mrs. Norris?"  
  
"Oh, that could've been just a fluke. What we really need is to surround her with cats. Any cats we can get hold of."  
  
Harry magically gained back his lost brain cells, and snapped his fingers. "I know! There's this musical playing in New York, and it'd be perfect to test Hermione!" The cells were lost as quickly as they had been gained. "Now--now, ask me what it's called!"  
  
Everyone rolled their eyes. This happened often. "What is it called, Harry?" They drawled monotonously.  
  
Harry beamed. "It is called... CATS!"  
  
Everyone gasped.  
  
"That's brilliant, Mr. Potter!" Professor Sprout trilled.  
  
"Frankly, I'm astounded," said Ron.  
  
"I'll conjure up some tickets! But. who's going?"  
  
Harry raised his and Ron's hands and swelled grandly, looking the very picture of noble martyrdom. The ever-spontaneous brain cells came back, thinking this would be fun. "We'll go. It is our duty, as her best friends, to save her from this terrible... thing. Ron and I would go anywhere, do any-- HEY!"  
  
Ron yanked his arm away from Harry. "What the heck are you talking about?! She's a looney, and you're dumber than a sack of beans!! I'm outta here." He then stalked off, fell through a trapdoor, and wound up in the lake.  
  
Fred and George ignored this, and were next to volunteer. "We'd better be there, just incase..."  
  
All of a sudden, three girls and two boys ran up to Sprout, Hermione, and the rest. "You're not leaving without us!" They were about two years younger than Harry and Ron, with the exception of one particularly geeky- looking girl who was the same age as Hermione.  
  
"Who the heck are you?" said George.  
  
It might be good for me to explain now that one of the girls--the older one--was wearing cat ears and a tail similar to Hermione's. Everyone else was staring at her, rather upset. "Hi, I'm Rubi, and this is Cinnamon, Tiger, Zach, and Jordon." Rubi pointed at the other four. Cinnamon, it seemed, was in Gryffindor, Tiger in Slytherin, Zach in Hufflepuff, and Jordon in Ravenclaw.  
  
"Your names are... Tiger and Cinnamon??" Harry asked the two girls.  
  
"Yep!" They replied in unison.  
  
"Peculiar names..."  
  
Everyone shrugged.  
  
Professor Sprout called out to the crowd. "Anyone else??" She waved about the tickets. "Last chance..."  
  
No one moved, rather afraid to be chosen.  
  
"Okay then... Let's roll!"  
  
And Sprout, Harry, Fred, George, Hermione, Tiger, Cinnamon, Zach, Jordon, and Rubi all disappeared in a poof of pink polka-dot smoke.  
  
There was much rejoicing.  
  
******  
  
A/N: YAAAHHHH! Not my best!! But oh well. nox, I hope I didn't misuse your characters too much...  
  
As always, review, and PLEASE review my other stories!! Thankies, all! ~Rubi 


	5. And you thought HERMIONE was going to go...

A/N: Fwee! I've been waiting to do this chapter for a while... I obsess over the musical. Ignore me.  
  
****** Chapter Five-- And You Thought Hermione Was Going to Go Berserk!  
  
And so, Harry, Hermione, Fred, George, Professor Sprout, Rubi, Tiger, Cinnamon, Zach, and Jordan appeared in front of a London theater. Their clothes were now "Muggle-fied," which left Harry, Fred, George, Zach, and Jordan with blue jeans and sweaters of various colors (Harry's was maroon, much to his dismay), and Hermione, Rubi, Tiger, and Cinnamon wearing different shades of plaid skirt, and white shirts under black vests. Professor Sprout was the only one who didn't change clothes. Many people in the street paused to stare at her for a while.  
  
Harry, Fred, and George stared at the theatre marquee, which had two large cat eyes on it and 'Cats' written between them.  
  
Hermione looked around at the street and drooled a bit on her vest.  
  
Fred mopped it up. "Did we HAVE to bring her??"  
  
Hermione thwacked him unintentionally as she started hopping up and down to the beat of 'When the Saints Come Marching In'.  
  
George stepped off of the curb, mesmerized. "Harry... look at THAT!" He pointed at what seemed to be a giant white light hovering above the theatre. Everyone stared.  
  
The light moved closer....  
  
closer...  
  
closer...  
  
closer...  
  
Until finally the narrator got sick of repeating herself and the light pinched Rubi on the nose.  
  
"Ow!" she said. "That hurt, you moron!!"  
  
"You gotta go back to your computer, dude," said the light. "Something major's happenin' 'cause you're not at the keyboard thinkin' stuff!"  
  
At that precise moment, Cinnamon turned into a pile of sand. "Well, this sucks," she said as Hermione, not quite knowing what she was doing, got it into her head that now was the best time to build a sand castle. So, she did. Cinnamon would have glared, had she any eyes.  
  
Rubi socked the light near where its stomach would be (had it been a human). "No WAY I'm going back! I came here to see a musical and I WILL see it, by Jim!!"  
  
"Ahh... I'm thinkin' no." The light then proceeded to pick Rubi up by the waist and carry her away as Fawkes swooped down from the sky and ate Jordan. Meanwhile, Hermione stared blankly at the screaming Rubi and drooled all over Cinnamon the Sandbox. Fred tried mopping that up, but instead got sand all over his mop. Cinnamon yelped.  
  
"Dangit; that was my best mop!" Said Fred. Everyone wept for the loss of Moppy, who was to be sent on its way via sewer. Hermione gave the last sendoff (for she had just recently acquired speech).  
  
"Pleh ghooot gemtegh Pfffffffttt!" She said, drooling on Moppy one last time. She then reverted back into her previous vegetable-like state, and tried crossing the busy intersection to put Moppy in the storm drain.  
  
"NO!" Everybody shouted and tried to stop Hermione, but it was too late. She was already halfway across and continuing on to the other side, her tongue hanging out.  
  
"Wait, Hermione!!" Harry shouted. "You'll hurt your noggin, and noggin is a fun--"  
  
"SHUT UP for the fourth time!"  
  
And while all this was going on, Hermione stepped safely onto the opposite curb, without a scratch but leaving behind her a path of destruction, crashed cars, and rolling hubcaps. She carefully placed Moppy on the sidewalk, turned around, and waved happily to the others. "Flumduu!!"  
  
Everyone let out a collective sigh of relief, gathered Cinnamon into a plastic bucket, and crossed the street to the theater.  
  
The ticket taker looked at them curiously. "Do... you have tickets?"  
  
Professor Sprout pushed herself to the front of the line. "Yes, we do!" She pushed the handful of tickets (sans Rubi, Cinnamon and Jordon's) into the woman's hand and dragged everybody into the theater before they could attract many more stares. Hermione paused for a second to pick up Moppy before heading inside.  
  
Once inside, the group of seven (not counting Cinnamon, as she was in a bucket on Hermione's lap) found their seats in the front row and sat down. Zach looked up. "Look, Christmas lights!"  
  
This drew everyone's attention to the ceiling, which was indeed covered in 'junk' and Christmas lights. "I wanna touch the lights!!" screamed Harry as he lost a few dozen more brain cells.  
  
As Professor Sprout fixed a seatbelt to Harry's seat to prevent him from running to jump on the ceiling, George pulled a calculator from his pocket and began keeping track of how many brain cells Harry had. "Let's see... he had so many brain cells seven minutes ago..."  
  
"And he just lost forty-eight," added Fred, who was trying to wrestle Moppy away from Hermione, who upset Cinnamon's bucket trying to hold on to the precious cleaning supply. Luckily, Zach caught her and put the bucket on his lap.  
  
Harry bit George on his hand. "I WANNA TOUCH THE LIGHTIES!!"  
  
George bit Harry on his arm. "NO!! I WANTED TO FIRST!!"  
  
Everyone in the theater turned to stare at him.  
  
But before things could get any worse, the show started. The house lights dimmed, and the Christmas lights began flashing as the overture started playing.  
  
"I wann--mmph mph mmmmhh!!" Screamed Harry before Tiger kindly put a hand over his mouth. Professor Sprout produced a Gryffindor scarf from thin air, which was then tied tightly around Harry's face, allowing eye holes so he could actually see the show and a nose hole so he could breathe.  
  
A person dressed like a cat ran out onstage. Everyone in the Hogwarts group glanced at Hermione worriedly, biting their lips. The girl continued to stare at the stage, tongue lolling out. Harry was now trying to rip off his scarf, to no avail.  
  
And so the first act continued smoothly, until, right in the middle of the most dramatic number so far, Harry finally succeeded in freeing his mouth and screamed, "LIIIGGGGHHHHHTTTTTSSSSS!!!"  
  
The house lights came up, and everyone within a 1-mile radius froze, mortified, staring at Harry, who was now standing on his chair. The rest of the Hogwarts group sank onto the floor, so as not to be associated with him.  
  
One of the actors came to the front of the stage and pointed to Harry. "I can't work like this!! Who is responsible for him?"  
  
Professor Sprout would have remained perfectly silent and let Harry be taken on his own if it weren't for the fact that Hermione raised the professor's hand for her. And so she was forced to stand up by the rest of the group, who, relieved that someone had now taken the blame, sat back down in their chairs.  
  
The theater manager came onstage, looking furious. "YOU!!" He pointed at Sprout and Harry. "GET UP HERE!!" Everyone in the theater (except the Hogwarts group, who were now just as mortified as Professor Sprout) applauded.  
  
Harry and Professor Sprout took their places on stage next to the manager. Harry ducked behind Sprout at the sight of all those people. She tried explaining to the manager-- "You see, the boy spontaneously loses and regains his brain cells, kind of like he's been sniffing a permanent marker all his life, so... He-he's one of our 'Special' students, if you know what I mean... All of those kids are a little-- er-- Why, Harry, here,... Wait. Harry?" She looked around. The boy who lived had disappeared! "Harry!?"  
  
A shriek from one of the actresses answered her question. Harry had sneaked behind to one of the Cats and given her a great big hug. He was currently affixed to a white cat by the name of Victoria. She trudged up to Sprout and deposited the boy center stage, then stomped offstage muttering something like, "Dammit, now I'm gonna need counseling..."  
  
Harry stood up. "I've always kind of wanted to hug a cat." Fred and George gave a loud whoop. The other actors onstage exchanged worried glances and edged away from Potter and the professor.  
  
The manager stared cynically at Professor Sprout, whose feelings of pity for Harry had all vanished. "Will you please remove him from the theater?"  
  
"Gladly." Professor Sprout positioned Harry carefully on the end of the stage, then gave him an amazing kick in the behind that sent him flying up, up, up to the ceiling and out of the theater, leaving a wizard-shaped hole in the roof of the building.  
  
The manager shaded his eyes to get a better look. "Wow, I wish I could fly like that!"  
  
"Wish granted!" And the professor punted him out of the same hole that Harry made. The whole theater applauded as Professor Sprout turned and walked down the steps to her seat, allowing the musical to resume.  
  
******  
  
A/N: So, what'd you think?? After a long hiatus, is this still funny?? *Crosses fingers* PLEASE review and say what ya think! 


	6. Of StepDancing, Harry Potter's Trip Thro...

A/N: And so, after a long while, school has started again, and I have a cold. I can't be sure as to what the inspiration for this chapter was, but I was reading over the last few pages I'd written and came up with some ideas I hadn't used and thought would be funny as heck. Maybe they're not, 'cause after you have to take Nyquil in the daytime EVERYTHING seems funny as heck. But I sure hope they are! As always, please read-and-review!  
  
Oh, and since I have neglected to put up a disclaimer so far: *Ahem* I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Kleenex. I do not own Ny-quil. I do not own any Rubik's cubes that I know of. I also do not sponsor any of them, but you don't really care, do you? I do not own Cinnamon, Jordan, Tiger, Zach, or the pink gerbil that stole my teddy bear. I DO own this story. No plagiarizing, or I will be forced to sic Baby Bop and her Evil Blankie of DOOOOOOM© on you.  
  
******  
  
Chapter Six-- of Step-Dancing, Harry Potter's Trip Through the Field of Motivational Speaking, and Sibyll's Lifelong Dream  
  
There would really be no use in writing about the events of the rest of the musical, because nothing else really happened. Hermione stayed in her seat, drooling into a strategically-placed empty popcorn bucket. Fred and George were reduced to tears by the final scene, and Professor Sprout had to conjure up boxes of Kleenex for both of them. Tiger and Zach were just sitting there, saying nothing, as they were prone to doing. Cinnamon... well, no one really knew what Cinnamon was thinking at the moment, for she was a pile of sand, incase you've forgotten. Moppy was... inanimate.  
  
But this, sadly, was not to be, as it wouldn't make for a very interesting chapter. Just when the various cats onstage began to take their bows, the doors at the back of the theater burst open with a BANG!, to reveal Harry standing in the doorway with numerous cuts and bruises. He stared at everyone in the theater. They stared back.  
  
This continued for a while until finally one of the actresses shrieked and ran offstage. This, of course, was Victoria. Many of the other cats followed her.  
  
Professor Sprout led the rest of the Hogwarts group out of their seats and over to Harry, who smiled and waved obliviously at them. She looked positively furious. "HARRY JOSEPHINIANNE POTTER!!"  
  
Harry flinched.  
  
George looked confused. "I thought the 'J' stood for 'James?'"  
  
Professor Sprout rolled her eyes at him. "That's what they WANT you to think. Trust me, it's Josephinianne." Turning back to Harry she said, "I drop-kicked you as far away as Glasgow! What is with you, child!?"  
  
Harry looked somewhat sheepish for a second, staring at the floor. "Umm... Well, you see, Professor, I just wanted... to...to step-dance!" Harry cried, gesturing overemotionally to the now-empty stage.  
  
A cricket chirped somewhere.  
  
"... Come again?" said Fred.  
  
"Step-dance!" said Harry, leaping onto the armrests of one chair dramatically, arms stretched out toward the stage. "I want to step-dance! Don't you see?" He added to the Hogwarts group, most of whom were now pretending not to know him. "We've been confined at Hogwarts, not allowed to step-dance for fear we might... um... do something! But now, my friends, now, we are in NEW YORK, NEW YORK!! The city of rude people in a hurry, and outrageous traffic and obscene gestures ...and... oh yeah-- and DREAMS!!"  
  
Several New Yorkers in the audience glared at Harry, and one threw a bucket of popcorn at him. A few, however, applauded.  
  
Harry chose to ignore this. "And there-- there is the stage! OUR stage... Perfect for step-dancing, and I say we take this opportunity and STEP-DANCE, by Jim!!" He turned and put a fist in the air. "People of Hogwarts-- People of the WORLD, ARE YOU WITH ME???"  
  
No one moved.  
  
"...Let's try this again- ARE YOU WITH ME!?!?"  
  
Silence. Finally, Professor Sprout grabbed the boy by the collar and dragged him outside.  
  
"NO!" Harry roared. "NO! HAVE YOU NOT LISTENED TO MY WELL-THOUGHT-OUT AND EMOTIONALLY STIRRING MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH?? HAVE YOU NOT HEARD A WORD I'VE SAID!? LET ME ONTO THAT STAGE; LET ME STEP-DANCE!!" He continued kicking, screaming, and making a general commotion until George did everyone a favor and gave him a piece of Hagrid's 'famous' toffee, which took a leaf out of superglue's book and cemented Harry's mouth shut.  
  
"Thank you, George," said Professor Sprout gratefully as the rest of the students gathered outside. "Well, now that we know Hermione's cured, albeit at some expense to her mind, what shall we do?"  
  
Hermione giggled and hugged Harry, who pushed her off and wiped the drool off his shoulder.  
  
Tiger shrugged and said nothing, as she was sadly born without a personality.  
  
Zach was about to set Cinnamon on the ground, but Fawkes dove down from the sky and ate her, bucket and all.  
  
Everyone winced.  
  
Hermione looked around and waved her right arm in the air spasmodically while humming the first line of 'Yankee Doodle'. She then twitched a little, and took off running through the streets.  
  
"CRAP!" Professor Sprout shouted as Harry, Fred, George, and Zach took off after Hermione because they were presumably the fastest runners. Professor Sprout and Tiger looked at each other, shrugged, and sat down in the middle of the sidewalk to play a game of cards.  
  
Half an hour later, they were still playing cards.  
  
"Go fish."  
  
Tiger stretched her hand out for the deck, but caught no fish, for just then the boys returned with Hermione in tow. They were also accompanied by what appeared to be a large glittering insect. The insect loomed over Professor Sprout, arms outstretched ominously.  
  
Just then, Professor Sprout looked about her and screamed bloody murder. "AUUUUGGHHHH!! SOMEONE SQUASH IT!!" She then jumped up, pulled a copy of the fifth Harry Potter book (what a coincidence) from inside her robes, and proceeded to thwack the living daylights out of the insect with it.  
  
Tiger stood up, and, to everyone's surprise, spoke. "Stop it! That's no insect; that's Professor Trelawney!!" She paused and looked at the book in Sprout's hand. "What're you hitting her with?"  
  
Fred and George leaned in. "Looks like a book," said Fred.  
  
George squinted at the binding "Let me see... it says 'H...Har...'-- HEY!!"  
  
"Oh... er... it's nothing," said Professor Sprout as she smacked the twins away and hid the book in her pocket again.  
  
Professor Trelawney stood up and glared at all of them. She was a great deal taller than Professor Sprout, and was draped with the usual number of shawls and beads (which was in fact 27.3). She looked down on Professor Sprout in an almost haughty way.  
  
"Sibyll!" Sprout shouted. "What're you doing in New York City!?"  
  
At this moment, the toffee in Harry's mouth melted, and he was free to talk again. "Hee hee-- Sprout shouts," said Harry with a giggle.  
  
Everyone chose to ignore this, lest it become another bad running gag.  
  
"I could-- and should-- ask YOU the same question." Professor Trelawney sniffed and straightened her oddly-magnifying glasses. "I came to audition for a Broadway musical. It's always been my dream to be on stage!" She clasped her hands and looked longingly at the theater marquee above them, much in the same way that Harry had stared at the stage a while ago.  
  
"You should step-dance," Harry said very seriously.  
  
"Shut up," said Professor Sprout, rubbing her noggin thoughtfully.  
  
Harry giggled. "Hehe... Noggin's a fun word."  
  
Surprisingly, no one addressed this.  
  
"STOP IGNORING ME!!" Harry shouted.  
  
They ignored him.  
  
"What musical are you auditioning for, Professor?" asked Fred, who was busy tying Hermione's wrists and ankles together so she couldn't run away again.  
  
"Chicago!" Professor Trelawney yelled happily, her eyes tearing up. "Either that, or Hairspray, or Cats." She gave a small sniff and wiped a tear off her face. "Actually, all three."  
  
"What roles are you auditioning for?"  
  
"Oh, well, in Chicago I want to be Velma. And Cats, I think, I'd be Bombalurina."  
  
The others' faces twisted in horror at the mental pictures this statement shoved into their heads. Zach flat-out screamed and ran away as fast as possible. A slight fwoosh was heard as Fawkes reappeared and ate him, too.  
  
"Are... are you SURE those are the roles you'd like to have?" asked Professor Sprout fearfully.  
  
"Of course!" trilled Professor Trelawney. "Why, Velma has that song at the beginning-- AND ALL... THAT... JAAAAAZZZZ!!" she sang out, breaking the windows of many a car. Ignoring the moans of pain from those around her, she continued: "And--and in Cats, Bombalurina is so sexy, and people like her." She finished by nodding sagely. "And I think it's what my destiny has been all along!" She grabbed Professor Sprout by the shoulders. "Don't you see it,... er... don't you see it, Alberta!?"  
  
"That's not my name."  
  
"I don't care." Sibyll Trelawney looked around and picked up a random suitcase that was on the ground next to her. Everyone presumed it was hers. "Well... now I go to my future!" She started walking into the theater when Hermione took matters into her own hands and brained her with a Rubik's cube, instantaneously knocking her unconscious.  
  
"Good show, Hermione!" said Fred, who had supplied the Rubik's cube but wasn't about to say anything.  
  
"Well... now what do we do with her?" said Professor Sprout, gently taking the Rubik's cube from Hermione before she could do any more damage.  
  
"I don't know... but we should tango," said Harry, holding up a boom box that appeared out of nowhere.  
  
So they did, to the tango music that came blasting out of the boom box.  
  
After that was over, Hermione took the rose out from between her teeth and ate it, as if to say, "Now that that's done, what should we do about the semi-lifeless body of Professor Trelawney we have here?"  
  
"I have no clue," replied Fred.  
  
"Fred," said Professor Sprout suddenly, unexpectedly, and out-of-the- blue, "I'm appointing you official temporary caretaker of Hermione. Your duties, of course, are to clean up after her, answer questions for her as soon as she figures out how to talk again, etcetera..." She handed him a shiny gold badge, which he happily pinned to his shirt. "Wherever she goes, you go-- with the exception of the ladies' room, of course. And," she added, glancing at Harry, "if we ever decide to spontaneously break into song-and-dance again, you'll be her partner."  
  
Fred's face went from proud to terrified.  
  
"Oh, no need to thank me," said Professor Sprout, grinning.  
  
There was a long pause before Harry said, "We ought to dance to zydeko music." And, just like magic, zydeko music began playing from the magical mystical boom box.  
  
So they stopped in the middle of the busy sidewalk, dropped everything, and danced. Again.  
  
After that musical interlude, they all stopped and thought things for a while, until Professor Trelawney woke up, glanced at them, and decided to play solitaire. So she did. Just then, the new manager of the theater they were next to came out and addressed them. "HEY YOU BUMS!!" he yelled. The Hogwarts group jumped and stared at him.  
  
"Yes?" Said Professor Sprout.  
  
"I saw you guys tangoing a while ago, and was wondering... well, since half our cast of Cats is now emotionally scarred for life, maybe you should dance onstage to replace the show."  
  
Harry looked as if all his dreams had come true that instant. "REALLY!?" he shouted.  
  
"Yes, really," said the manager, ushering them inside. He stopped Professor Trelawney at the door. "Whoa-whoa-whoa. I didn't see YOU tangoing, ma'am. You'll have to leave."  
  
"But--But-but--" She stuttered, finally falling to her knees in front of the theater melodramatically. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-*gasp*- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  
"Oh jeez, fine." And he let her in.  
  
"Can we step-dance?" asked Harry. "And tango, and... and zydeko?" He motioned to the boom box.  
  
"Eh, sure, why not?"  
  
It was everyone else's turn. The entire Hogwarts group (save Harry) fell over melodramatically, arms stretched heavenward. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-*gasp*-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" They yelled, for they had better breath control than Professor Trelawney and could hold the scream for one 'O' longer, so there.  
  
The manager facepalmed. "This is going to be a long week... I can smell it."  
  
"Wasn't me."  
  
******  
  
A/N: And you, in your lovely intelligent heads, can decide who said that. Oh, by the way, I'm still taking suggestions and characters, so feel free to send some in if you want to. No more than three, as I already have ideas of my own. ^_^ 


	7. Hogwarts Awake, and Several Movies Clash

Chapter Seven-- Hogwarts Awake and Several Movies Clash  
  
It was about 4:30 a.m. the next day when Professor Trelawney woke up on the stage (which was where they had to sleep), crawled out of her sleeping bag, grabbed her 'I Heart Premonitions' coffee mug, and wobbled upstage, where she aimed for the stairs, but instead fell right over the edge with a small shriek. Amazingly, no one woke up, and Sibyll just lay there for a minute in a crumpled heap of white cotton nightgown, beads, chiffon scarves, and hair. ((A/N: The way I imagine it, Professor Trelawney has a LOTTA hair on her head.)) Her coffee mug was a few inches away, and, untangling herself, she picked it up, gave an almighty yawn, and scratched her head sleepily, wondering 'Where in hell do they keep the percolator??'  
  
At that moment Hermione sat bolt upright under her quilt, which was thrown over her head. She looked around, surprised at the lack of light and spouting gibberish as usual. Fred woke instantly and pulled the quilt off Hermione's head, not too sure he liked this 'Temporary Official Caretaker' schtick. Noticing Professor Trelawney, he yawned and said, "Professor? What're you doing?"  
  
"...Coffee..."  
  
"I don't think there is any." Tilting his head a bit he added, "where'd you get the nifty mug?"  
  
"Bought it." Professor Trelawney was still largely incapable of putting together complete sentences.  
  
Professor Sprout shifted a little in her sleeping bag. "Harry... go away... step-dance...NO..." She snorted loudly and dug her face into the wood floor. "Josephinianne... scary... must slap... stupid boy..."  
  
Fred did everyone a favor and smacked her with a leftover tuna.  
  
Sprout jolted awake, looking around. A hairnet was perched on top of her head, almost about to fall off. She didn't have any of her usual 3" of makeup on, and looked... uhh...  
  
"OH THE PAIN!!" Screeched Professor Trelawney, Fred, and Hermione in unison, covering their eyes. Actually, Hermione only screeched, being still unable to shape actual English words.  
  
Professor Sprout scowled and glared at them, only making matters worse. Fred and Hermione staggered off the stage and collapsed on top of Professor Trelawney, effectively knocking her out cold and breaking the beloved 'I Heart Premonitions' coffee cup.  
  
Finally, the herbology professor magicked herself so that she was make-upped, dressed for the daytime, and ready to leave the building.  
  
Fred peered through a finger. Hermione whimpered slightly because he was sitting on top of her, and a Rubik's cube was caught in her hair. Fred promptly stood up and helped Hermione off of Professor Trelawney, staring at the cataleptic teacher. "Did we kill her?"  
  
"No, I don't think so, Fred," said Professor Sprout, walking down the stairs to take a look. She pulled the Rubik's cube out of Hermione's hair with some distaste. "Too bad, though. I think she's a jinx...."  
  
At that moment, an air horn rang out from the sound booth into the intercom system and everyone who was still asleep woke with a start and jumped about ten feet in the air, falling off of the stage and landing in a heap on top of Professor Sprout, Fred, Hermione, and Sibyll Trelawney. "AAHH!"  
  
After a while, everyone found that they couldn't get up without a helluva lot of effort. "Someone's pinching my bum," announced Harry at random. Professor Sprout's hand reached up from below another four people and brained him with the omnipresent Rubik's cube.  
  
A voice sounded over the intercom. "Rise and shine, ya babies!!" It was that of the manager. "It's already 4:43! You've wasted nearly five hours of the day on sleep!!"  
  
"But, sir," came the muffled voice of Professor Sprout, "we need to sleep at least five hours a day. It's just what humans do."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, now just get out of your little love huddle there and clear the stage! You've got to rehearse; your first performance is tonight!!"  
  
With some major struggle, Professor Sprout managed to grab her wand, which was a few feet away, and blast the students off of her, sending them flying in all directions. Harry hit the sound booth, and Tiger ended up on a lighting fixture. Fred, George, and Hermione were flung back against the wall of the stage. Professor Trelawney struck the ceiling and speedily fell back to earth.  
  
"Well... that solves that," said Professor Sprout, dusting herself off as Tiger fell off the chandelier screaming. Luckily for her, the now- comatose body of Professor Trelawney broke her fall.  
  
The manager glanced up, noticing the last sentence of the last paragraph. "Great," he said into the microphone, "now she's in a coma. What're we gonna do??"  
  
"Uh... call an ambulance?" Suggested Harry as he somersaulted happily back down to the stage.  
  
"Nonsense," said Professor Sprout, conjuring up a stretcher and magical IV and hooking Sibyll up with the medicine. "Fred, George, Hermione, you wheel her backstage. Harry, stop putting your foot behind your ear and get over here. We need to roll up the sleeping bags. Tiger... uhh... you get over here, too."  
  
Within minutes the stage was clean and free of debris, and Professor Trelawney was backstage with all of the rubbish piled on top of her. "...Well, at least she won't catch cold," Fred observed upon seeing the excessive quantity of blankets, pillows, and sleeping bags covering the teacher.  
  
The manager finally left the sound booth and came backstage with them as they all gathered around the glaringly-out-of-place hospital bed. "Well crap," he said, "what're we gonna do now?? We need another person for the show."  
  
Just then, the author heard their cries and decided to do something about it, and the sky (not to mention ceiling) opened and a teenager and a young woman were both catapulted screaming onto the stage. The teenager was wearing jeans, a t-shirt, hiking boots, and a bright yellow rain slicker. The woman was wearing what appeared to be a prison uniform, and had her hair bobbed in what must have been very fashionable in the 20's. Needless to say, they too looked glaringly-out-of-place.  
  
Everyone ran out onto the stage to see the teen sit up, dazed, and rub her head. She looked oddly familiar... "RUBI!?!? And... SOME OTHER PERSON!?!?" Professor Sprout pulled a can of pepper spray from her purse that just appeared nearby and pointed it at the teen.  
  
"NOT GUILTY!!" The woman screeched.  
  
"Wait!" The teenager screamed at Sprout hurriedly. "I'M NOT RUBI!!"  
  
Harry looked confused, though he sort of always did. "Then who are you? And who's that?"  
  
"Um, I'm Alice, Rubi's 'Chicago' themed alter-ego, and this is Katalin Helinski. Just call her Hunyak." She stood up, dusted off her jeans, and beamed at the Harry Potter people.  
  
Hunyak stood up and looked around, blinking. "Not guilty."  
  
Alice whispered to Professor Sprout behind her hand, "That's all the English she knows."  
  
Professor Sprout threw her hands in the air. "Well, just peachy. Does she even know what I'm saying now??"  
  
"Yeah, through some sort of loophole that the story really couldn't fly without."  
  
"Ah, I see."  
  
"Nifty," said Harry.  
  
Just then, Xena, Warrior Princess, appeared randomly. "AAHHHEEEYYYAAAAAAAHHHEEEEAAAHHHYYYYAAAAAHHHAAHHEEHHHHEEEHHAHAAHHAHH!!" She screeched, for the author has no idea what the 'Xena yell' actually sounds like.  
  
Everyone collapsed, twitching, as Xena disappeared. "...ow," said Tiger after about five minutes, since she pretty much sucks at expressing any emotion whatsoever.  
  
"Yippee! That ouch," replied Harry, sitting up and looking around. Professor Sprout threw her Rubik's cube at him.  
  
Hunyak jabbered something in Hungarian... and to everyone's astonishment, Hermione replied to her with gibberish! Everyone stared at them, jaws dropped. Professor Sprout staggered over to Alice and picked her up by the front of the shirt. "What did they say!?"  
  
"How am I supposed to know, I don't speak Hungarian OR gibberish!!"  
  
"Well then, we need someone who does!"  
  
And again, the author called upon Deus Ex Machina to send them a translator. Hans the alternate narrator appeared and took his place in the invisible Hungarian/gibberish-translation-booth that is in my head. "Howdy!" Hans shouted.  
  
"Howdy!" Harry shouted back.  
  
"Olla!" said Alice.  
  
"Moofy!" yelled Tiger.  
  
"Okay okay, enough with the howdy, tell us what Hunyak and Hermione said!!" shouted Professor Sprout.  
  
"Okay, fine. Jeez..." Hans muttered and sifted through his paperwork. "Ahh, Hunyak said 'I hope that doesn't happen too often here,' and Hermione responded with 'Your gerbil dances with spinach under the light of the Cheez-Whiz moon."  
  
"Great," said George, "It doesn't make sense even when translated!!"  
  
Hermione said something. "Cheery spoonful of North Carolina applesauce," Hans translated.  
  
"Did someone say 'APPLESAUCE'!?" Harry shouted, looking around wildly.  
  
"Yes, and here," said the manager, throwing some at him. It hit him in the face. "Mm, applesauce-ey," Harry said.  
  
At that moment, Voldemort, otherwise known as Tom Riddle, You-Know- Who, etc, etc... appeared on the stage in a poof of smoke!  
  
"You-Know-Who!" shouted Fred.  
  
"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!" yelled George.  
  
"That guy!" screeched Professor Sprout.  
  
"Toto ate the rotten avocado!" Hans translated for Hermione.  
  
"ENOUGH!!" Voldemort boomed above them all, as the smoke slowly disappeared.  
  
"YAY!" yelled Alice, clapping her hands. Professor Sprout grabbed her by one of the two braids in her hair.  
  
"What do you mean, 'YAY??'"  
  
"It's Voldie-poo!!"  
  
Voldemort looked over at her and jumped slightly. "You! You're supposed to be dead!!"  
  
Alice shrugged away from Professor Sprout and grinned rather mischievously at the Dark Lord, stepping around and leaning momentarily on an imaginary pile of gold. "Am I not? ...oh, wait, wrong movie." She paused and blinked thoughtfully. Hunyak took the opportunity to give Professor Sprout the universal 'she's somewhat crazy' sign with one finger.  
  
"I don't have time for this," said Voldemort (whose name is really pronounced 'Vol-de-more' according to J.K., so THERE.), pulling out his wand and pointing it at Harry, who was busy trying to lick a bit of applesauce off his nose. "Just let me kill the brat."  
  
"Fine by me," said Professor Sprout. Fred smacked her. She hexed him on a reflex.  
  
"Ooh!" Alice said again, happily. "What're you going to kill him with??"  
  
"Hah?" replied the most evil literary villain since that one big eye thing terrorized that one little midget dude... you know what I'm talking about....  
  
"You know! You're the most powerful evil villain that Harry here knows! With powers comparable to Harry!"  
  
Everyone looked confused and somewhat scared as she continued.  
  
"What powers, you ask? How about the power of flight, that do anything for ya? That's levitation! How 'bout the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away.... with MIND-BULLETS!! That's telekinesis, Hunyak."  
  
Voldemort looked perplexed.  
  
"How about the power.... to move you??" One could almost hear the funky guitar solo.  
  
"Shut it, Muggle." Voldemort said, wand still pointed at Harry. He grinned at the bespectacled goofball. "It ends now."  
  
Harry just now noticed the looming danger and looked up at You-Know- Who. "Er... hi?"  
  
"History of Wonderboy.... and Young Nastyman!! Rig-a-doo-doo, rig-a- doo-doo!" Alice sang from somewhere to the side. "A secret to be told, a gold chest to be bold, and blasting off with three-part harmony! GO!-- AAACK!" Voldemort hexed her unconscious before sending a blast of purple light at Harry. Alice skidded off the stage and into the orchestra pit, landing in the unoccupied brass section.  
  
He dodged it and stood up, glaring at Voldemort before.... turning and running away. But wait! Harry ran to the nearest wall, sprinted right up, and flipped off backwards, landing on Voldemort's bald head! "MOOHAHAHAH!" Everyone cheered... until Voldemort rolled his eyes, picked Harry off of him, and kicked the boy in the shins (With very little effort, I might add). "Owwwww!!" Harry yelled, hopping on one foot. "09432o8iygkafvg9075r3!!"  
  
"I got the 'Owwwww,' but what was the '09432o8iygkafvg9075r3' for?" asked Hans.  
  
"No clue," said Professor Sprout.  
  
Voldemort then threw away his wand, which had been snapped in two by Harry, and pulled out... a SPORK!!  
  
Harry saw this, and, recovering quickly as he often does, pulled out a spork of his own! Voldemort glared at the boy and pressed a hidden button on his spork, causing a beam of red light to spout from the pronged end and transforming it into the very lethal, if a bit absurd, SPORKSABER! (That's the idea George Lucas first had, before I convinced him to go with the more popular alternative, you know. However, I got the copyrights to this baby, so HAH!! Take THAT, Ewok Man!! I am all powerful!!) Harry mimicked this, with the same result, and they went to battle! Everyone else took seats in the audience, conjured up buckets of popcorn, and watched.  
  
The SPORKSABER fight continued for about an hour without much progress for either arch-enemy (and lots of pacing menacingly behind imaginary force-fields), until Harry suddenly lunged forward and his SPORKSABER sliced up a part of Voldemort's robe sleeve! Voldemort faltered, looked at his sleeve, and his lip quivered. "My... my sleeve.... Nooooooooo!!!" He clicked off his SPORKSABER and began sobbing in Harry's general direction. "You're so hurtful!!" He then snapped his fingers and disappeared in a slightly smaller puff of smoke than last time.  
  
"Woooonderbooooy... what is the secret of your powers....?" Alice warbled from beneath a tuba, just waking up. She looked around, smiling absently. "What'd I miss?"  
  
Harry de-activated his SPORKSABER and jumped up and down, clapping his hands. "Eeeeeeee!! I defeated Voldemort AGAIN!!"  
  
Professor Sprout climbed back onstage and clapped Harry on the back, nearly bowling him over. "Good show, ya stupid kid!" She then pulled a large box from behind her back. (It spontaneously appeared, by the way.) She held it out to Harry. "Here you go, for defeating Voldemort!"  
  
"Oh, wow, you really didn't have to! Oh golly gee," said Harry, taking the box and opening it to reveal a pair of bright pink patent leather platform shoes with 14" wooden soles and silver plastic buckles. Tying them together were black shoelaces with lime green aglets. Harry's eyes began to water with joy. "They're lovely!!" He immediately kicked off his own shoes--one of which hit Hans in the face--and put on the platform shoes, now much taller than anyone else there. "Thank you-- thank you all!" He said tearfully, wobbling over to try and give Professor Sprout a hug. She dodged it and Harry overbalanced and fell to the floor.  
  
"Stop throwing computers at me, mister squirrel chow!" Hans interpreted from Hermione.  
  
"Not guilty," said Hunyak, shaking her head.  
  
"I hear ya," Alice replied.  
  
******  
  
A/N: Well, there ya have it. The seventh chapter! *Eyes tear up* This is the longest story I've ever kept up.... *Snif* It's all thanks to YOU!! *Hugs the reviewers* I've almost got 50 reviews! I can't believe it! *Holds out a tray of cookies* Here. Take one. I owe ya.  
  
Oh yeah, and ten points go to whoever can tell me what an aglet is. That and/or a hemidemisemiquaver. (I think it's spelled like that.) (And YES, it is a real thing.) 


	8. Unforeseen and Inexplicable Stuff Happen...

Chapter Eight-- Unforeseen and Inexplicable Stuff Happens Back Home  
  
And while this was all going on, at Hogwarts the remaining students were all just trying to put the 'lost ones' behind them and continue with their lives. It was decided that Mad-Eye Moody was to be the new headmaster, since Snape was dead, Dumbledore was dead, Sprout was in New York braining people with a Rubik's cube, Trelawney was in a coma, and McGona-- excuse me-- McCrusher was in St. Mungo's with wrestling-related injuries.  
  
Draco and Ron were sitting at the Slytherin Table, both human again, playing Wizard's Chess. Ron was kicking Draco's theoretical booty. "HAH!" shouted Ron as his pawn effortlessly bitch-slapped Draco's last knight off the board.  
  
Draco twitched. "That's not fair!"  
  
"Talk to the hand, Ferret Boy."  
  
Draco glared at him. "I'm bloody rich! I should be the one who's winning!" He stared blankly for a minute. "And, according to Alfonso Cuaron, I know how to make an origami crane!"  
  
Ron rolled his eyes. "But obviously you can't play chess."  
  
"Yes. I mean no. I mean... wait...." Draco whined. "You're too smart! Go away!" he pouted.  
  
Ron was about to make a snappy yet sarcastic comment but never got the chance, for at that moment the doors at the end of the Hall burst open, and into the room ran none other than... SEVERUS SNAPE!  
  
"NOOOOO!!!" Everyone in the Great Hall screamed bloody murder and jumped out of the window nearest them. Well, everyone except Draco and Ron. They were still trying to beat each other to the window.  
  
"OUTTA MY WAY, BLONDIE!!"  
  
"MOVE, YA FREAK!!"  
  
Eventually they weren't even moving anywhere anymore-- just standing on top of two beating each other up. Snape just walked up to the table and watched with a bag of popcorn.  
  
Ron looked up for a second, sniffing the air. "Popcorn senses... tingling...." he looked over and spotted Professor Snape. "Ooh! Can I have some?"  
  
"Yeah, sure."  
  
"Thanks." Ron and Draco each took a handful of popcorn and stood still for awhile, munching happily.  
  
Yay. It was yummy popcorn.  
  
After awhile, Draco swallowed his last popcorn kernel and stood looking at Snape, pondering something. "Heeeey," he said after about twenty minutes, "aren't you dead?"  
  
"No, actually, I was resurrected by unknown means, for an unknown purpose."  
  
"How spiffy," said Ron.  
  
"Then how'd you get out of the dungeons? We caved them in."  
  
"Beats me."  
  
"Oh, I see."  
  
"Ah," Ron said, sneaking another handful of popcorn from Snape.  
  
And so they all sat around and ate popcorn for about the next three days.  
  
When that was done, Draco brushed a cobweb off his nose and said, "So... now what do we do?"  
  
"I think we should track down those people that left for Broadway a long time ago," Ron replied thoughtfully.  
  
"Heheh... Noggin really IS a fun word," said Draco. Snape smacked him.  
  
"Yes! Yes, that's exactly what we'll do! We'll go to New York and ANNIHILATE HARRY POTTER!!" cried Snape, jumping up and down in evil. I mean joy. Or something. "Then I can be headmaster of Hogwarts, AND Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!" He laughed evilly.  
  
"Yes, and I can help you, because of my newfound hatred for everyone in that group!" yelled Ron evilly.  
  
"And I can help you, because of my long-lasting hatred for everyone in that group!" exclaimed Draco. Evilly.  
  
Just then, Dobby showed up. Snape threw popcorn at him. Dobby ate the popcorn, then hexed Snape so he was wearing only Dobby's tea cozy. "DAAAAGGGHHHH!! MY EYES!!!" Ron and Draco were flung against the opposite wall with surprising force, their eyes burning. "I'm unsighted!" cried Ron. Dobby just laughed. Snape shrieked and dove under the table, sucking his thumb.  
  
Draco pushed a loose brick off of his head. It fell on Ron, who was blindly trying to find his way through the rubble. He crawled on top of Draco, who was visibly repulsed and kept trying to get away. "Get off me!"  
  
Ron rolled out of the pile of loose plaster and bricks and pointed at where he thought Dobby was. "This is all YOUR fault!"  
  
"Ahahahahah, I think not!" For just then, a person in an impeccable black suit stepped forth from the dust. The person was tall, and wearing sunglasses and a black hat. It was impossible to tell from the voice whether this person was a man or woman, or anything else for that matter.  
  
"AAH! IT'S AN AGENT!" screamed Draco before he ran forward and kicked the person in the shin.  
  
The person keeled over immediately, shouting. "I'm not an Agent, goddamnit!!" yelled the person, hopping on one foot.  
  
"Well, then, who are you?"  
  
"I'll tell you-- hold on just a sec-- OW!!" The person was still hopping around, holding one leg. It crashed into a wall, and began hopping the other way, causing even more destruction around the Hall. Ron also wandered around, arms straight out, bumping into things. He walked straight into the person, who immediately slapped him across the face, seemingly on a reflex. Draco waited patiently.  
  
"Okay," said the mysterious person, finally recovering. The person sat down on a table nearby and stared at Draco through dark sunglasses. "You really want to know who I am?"  
  
"Well duh," said Ron from where he was dancing with a marble statue against his own will.  
  
"Okay...." The person stood up and removed the hat, revealing shoulder-length wavy red hair, and took off the sunglasses, staring at the others from large, solemn hazel eyes. It was a girl of about 18. "I am..."  
  
Draco listened intently. Ron paused in trying to get the statue away from him and waited. Snape shivered from under the table.  
  
"I am...."  
  
Everything was still.  
  
"I am...."  
  
"GET ON WITH IT!" screamed Draco, and kicked the girl in the other shin.  
  
"GAH!" she keeled over and hopped around on one foot again, screaming curses (many of which Draco had never heard before.)  
  
"Nice going, Malfoy." Ron eventually pushed the statue away from him and staggered back to the table Snape was cowering under. The author felt sorry for Snape (and her readers) and with a poof! of smoke, his clothes reappeared. Snape shakily stood up and looked around. Ron bumped into him and he pulled a magnificent 'Wilhelm,' punching Ron in the nose with unexpected accuracy. Ron shouted, staggered back and unintentionally stepped on Draco's foot, and the two joined the unnamed girl in careening about the Great Hall with their injuries. Snape conjured up another bucket of popcorn and watched, greatly amused.  
  
After about an hour of this, they'd all finally recovered. The girl slumped against a shrubbery and ran a hand through her hair. Draco was collapsed in the pile of rubble, holding his foot, and Ron flopped onto a chair, trying to straighten out his broken nose.  
  
"Well," said the girl after a while, "you still want to know who I am?"  
  
"Yep!" said Draco cheerfully.  
  
"Okay then... I am... I am...."  
  
"Oh, don't start this again...." Snape stood up and walked over as if to kick her in the shin.  
  
"ICICLE WEASLEY!!" she screamed immediately, clinging to the shrubbery. "The lost Weasley cousin, okay!?"  
  
Ron looked up, even though he couldn't see anything. "Icicle? That you??"  
  
"Yes, now please get Mr. Doesn't-Believe-In-Cleanliness here away from me."  
  
"Hmph." Snape scowled and walked away.  
  
"Icicle?" Draco said disbelievingly. "Is that your real name??"  
  
"Yes it is. I also have a little sister named Snowball." Icicle climbed off of the shrubbery and facing the others sincerely. "Snowball Weasley."  
  
Draco just stared. "What's with the suit?"  
  
Icicle stared back. "What's with your face?"  
  
Ron beamed. He liked his cousin. "Nice ...er... hearing you again, Icicle."  
  
"Why'd you come here in the first place?" Draco asked.  
  
"Well, I just had to visit my widdle bitty baby cousin Ronniekins...."  
  
"I'm only a year younger than you, you know." Ron pouted. Okay, maybe he didn't like her so much now.  
  
"Two years, pumpkin-poo."  
  
Draco collapsed laughing. Snape snickered. Ron blushed. Icicle grinned evilly. Fawkes, who had been about to swoop down and eat someone, was distracted and got a mouthful of the marble statue Ron had been fighting with instead. He ate it, and thus discovered a new taste for minerals.  
  
Draco was still laughing uncontrollably. Icicle stared at him for a while, her smile faded, and she kicked him. Draco stopped laughing. "What'd you do that for!?"  
  
Icicle shrugged. "I like kicking things."  
  
Draco stopped laughing.  
  
"That's my kind of student!" shouted Snape, who had jumped up to shake Icicle's hand.  
  
Draco was largely incapable of speaking partly because of the large footprint on the front of his school robes and the means by which it got there.  
  
Snape smiled happily. "Well, what do we do now??"  
  
Draco stood after a while, conjured up a ham sandwich and placed it on Ron's head. "I say we dance the funky chicken." He held up a boom box that spontaneously appeared out of nowhere.  
  
So they did, to the funky chicken music that came blasting out of the boom box. "I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck, so I'll shake my butt!" sang Ron. Pretty soon the entire group joined in the song.  
  
After that was over, they stood around for a little bit. Finally Snape said, "Well... let's go find the others and DESTROY THEM!!"  
  
"Okay," said Icicle.  
  
"Fine by me," said Draco.  
  
"Sure," said Ron.  
  
Just then, Fawkes flew back through the window, heading straight for Icicle! She quickly pulled a can of pepper spray seemingly from nowhere and sprayed Fawkes in the eyes. He immediately recoiled and writhed on the floor in agony, singing a version of phoenix song that sounded like a moose after drinking various alkaline cleansers. ((A/N: Not a pleasant feeling, apparently.))  
  
Icicle stared at him for a while, demonic grin fading. Fawkes looked back up at her through big, gold, watering eyes. Icicle's lip quivered and she looked at the aerosol can in her hand. "WHAT HAVE I DONE!?" she screamed, and threw the can across the room. It ricocheted off a pillar and hit Ron in the back of the head, knocking him out. "You poor baby!" Icicle rushed forward to hug the mad phoenix, but he snapped at her. She looked around at the others. "Do you have any phoenix biscuits??"  
  
Snape nodded. "I'd imagine Dumbledore had some...."  
  
"Well that old crony better have left them here!" Icicle sprinted out of the room, leaving Fawkes in the middle of the floor. He looked around and grinned maliciously at Snape, Ron, and Draco. Snape and Draco gulped and dragged Ron behind a table, where they cowered like scared little newborn llamas.  
  
"We're gonna die," said Draco. "Stupid Weasley's stupid yet malign cousin is gonna sic the stupid phoenix on us. Just watch."  
  
"Poppycock!" shouted Snape. A few twelve-year-olds reading this at home snickered. "Icicle wouldn't kill ME! He's her favorite cousin. And besides," he added much to the dismay of his student, "once she finds the kitchens and figures out where I keep the Muggle poisons, it's not Fawkes we have to worry about."  
  
Draco paled. Fawkes grinned. Ron awakened and looked around, confused. "Who turned out the lights?" Snape and Draco simultaneously thwacked him.  
  
A few minutes later, a bang from the front end of the hall signified Icicle Weasley's grand return as the doors slammed open. She ran frantically over to Fawkes, phoenix treats in hand. "It's okay, baby, I'm here...." She petted Fawkes's head and set the treats on the floor next to his mouth. "I'm sorry I sprayed you with that silly old MACE...." Fawkes looked back up at her, quite liking this attention, and licked her hand after gobbling up the treats. Icicle smiled in a caring manner, and gave him one last pat before standing and walking toward the table where the others hid. Fawkes stood up after she'd walked a few paces, and flapped up to sit on her shoulder. Icicle squealed. "Ronnie, he followed me!! Can we keep him, please please pleaaasseee??"  
  
Behind the table, Snape and Draco looked over at Ron, who looked in their direction. "What do I do?" Ron whispered.  
  
Snape thought a while, then noticed his bag of popcorn, crawled over and got it, and ate some. Then he said, "Well, having a stinkin' songbird-- er, phoenix-- on our side might be a good idea in the fight against Potter and his friends...."  
  
"But it could also kill us very painfully," Draco put in.  
  
"Of course, there's always that risk.... but I say yes, let her keep the stinkin' songbird-- I mean phoenix." Snape beamed, proud with himself.  
  
"YESSS!!" shrieked Icicle from two feet above their heads. Everyone behind the table jumped and spun around, not realizing that she'd been just above them all along. She leaped over the table and hugged Snape. "Thank you thank you thank you thank you!"  
  
"Right then," said Snape, pushing the girl away from him. "Shall we laugh evilly?"  
  
"Of course we should."  
  
"I concur."  
  
"Yes."  
  
And so all four of them threw their heads back and laughed maniacally for several minutes, pleased with their newborn plan for revenge.  
  
******  
  
A/N: Yes, I did resurrect Snape for reasons unknown. Deal.  
  
Oh, and if anyone's wondering what it is to pull a Wilhelm, I am referring to the ever-comical 'Wilhelm Scream!' Named after the very first cowboy to do this in a film, the Wilhelm scream is uttered at a moment of "extreme and unexpected shock or pain, when all machismo is abandoned and you just yelp." It is usually done by male characters, and is otherwise known as screaming 'like a little 9-year-old schoolgirl with pigtails.' 


	9. Plot? What Plot?

Chapter Nine-- Plot? What Plot?  
  
And so, as the Ultimate Despicable Organization of People Who Don't Enjoy Good Guys (U.D.O.P.W.D.E.G.G.) flew off into the night on their broomsticks, cackling evilly, our heroes were on Broadway, making themselves known.  
  
They'd decided to perform 'Love Shack' in the absence of any better ideas, as well as step-dancing (Which they very unimaginatively renamed Riverstomp) and tangoing. They called this act 'Stupid Boy!', which Professor Sprout had come up with after one motivational speech too many from the boy in question.  
  
After the first week of shows, 'Stupid Boy!' was a big hit! Harry was idolized by any (very large) number of fangirls, and Hermione, Alice, Hunyak, and Tiger had their own Internet fan club. Fred and George, though not as popular as the above mentioned, also had a following. Professor Trelawney, the comatose Seer, was also recognized after Fred magicked her center stage, made her hospital bed stand on end, and had her play the role of a tree. Professor Sprout was...... Professor Sprout.  
  
Their surprising fame had brought with it record deals, walk-on roles in the Lord of the Rings films, and even an appearance on the Today show with Matt Lauer! (Hermione and Hunyak's interview with Katie Couric didn't turn out very well, incase you're wondering.)  
  
Then one day, during rehearsals for their tango routine, something strange and unexpected happened.  
  
"I love life," said Harry, still wearing the pink platforms he'd received about two weeks earlier.  
  
Professor Sprout sat in the first row drinking a can of soda with a picture of Harry on it. "I love life, but hate you." She crumpled up the can and threw it into the orchestra pit.  
  
Alice laughed and fell into the Riverstomp formation with Hunyak, Hermione, and Tiger.  
  
But then, Harry looked up and saw, over by the stage door, a little tiny stray tabby kitten! He stopped everything and stared at it, mouth opening and closing in shock at how adorable the kitten was. The kitten looked up at him and said, "Mew!" in a tiny, high-pitched voice that just screamed 'CUTE.' Harry's eyes teared up, and he threw off the platform shoes and ran willy-nilly over to the stage door, where he scooped up the kitten and hugged it. The kitten said, "Mee--AWWK!" as it choked mid- sentence.  
  
Harry released the kitten and held it up to his face. The kitten stared at him for a while, then licked his nose and purred, curling up in his hands (for it was that small.)  
  
"I shall name him Squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy." Harry grinned joyfully at his amazing choice of name and ran back to the rest of the cast. The kitten meowed and climbed on top of Harry's head, curling up in the cushion of his hair.  
  
"What in the name of Charlie Gordon and Algernon the mouse is THAT!?" said Professor Sprout upon seeing the cat on Harry's head. Everyone made an instinctive move for Hermione, but she didn't seem to care.  
  
"His name is Squishy, and he is mine, and he is my Squishy."  
  
"You SO stole that from 'Finding Nemo,'" said Alice.  
  
"Stupid boy!" said Professor Sprout.  
  
"Hey, I'm in that musical!" said Harry gleefully. Squishy the cat purred and looked out at everyone through unnaturally large blue eyes.  
  
"Awwwwe, it's so cute!" squealed Alice, clasping her hands adoringly. "Lemme smack it!"  
  
"NO!" Harry yelled, scooping Squishy off his head and holding him. "He's my cat, and you won't hurt him!"  
  
"Jeez, fine.... ya killjoy," Alice muttered.  
  
***  
  
At about the time that all this was going on, the antagonists of our story were driving around Texas in Snape's violet-hued 1998 Volkswagen beetle.  
  
"I don't get it," said Icicle from the backseat, "why do you have a car like this? It's not very intimidating OR evil."  
  
"Is too!" said Snape indignantly, in defense of his car.  
  
"It's a Volkswagen Bug!"  
  
"It's a very SINISTER Volkswagen Bug," Snape retorted, pouting and wondering if they'd even SEEN the 'IH8POTR' custom license plate he had.  
  
"It's purple!" said Icicle, interrupting his ponderings.  
  
"It's violet!"  
  
"It's still sissy."  
  
"Ron, hit your cousin for me."  
  
"Will do!" And he did, happily. Icicle stared out of the window and sulked, rubbing her head.  
  
Draco sniggered and looked out his window, listening to his magical headphones. "Ooh, look! Cows!!" he cried suddenly, jumping up and pressing both hands against the glass.  
  
"Pardon me while I find a container for my joy," said Icicle sardonically.  
  
"No one cares about the cows, Draco," said Snape, swerving to avoid a piece of roadkill.  
  
"Yeah," said Ron, "that's the fourth time we've passed a field of cows in the past hour, and just now you notice them?"  
  
"Why are we even traveling like Muggles?" asked Draco, ignoring Ron. "We flew the car across the Atlantic to get here!"  
  
"Yeah, and why'd we land in TEXAS of all places?" Icicle was clearly not impressed with the second-largest state of the union. "Are we gonna hijack a cow to get to Broadway?"  
  
"We landed here because it's my car, and I wanted to drive it, and it IS enchanted, you know," said Snape, swelling with pride. "It never runs out of gas." He beamed, until...  
  
...You guessed it...  
  
... The car ran out of gas. Snape pressed on the accelerator a few more times, staring at the steering wheel in disbelief. When this proved fruitless, he began shouting vile curses at his car, most of which Draco had never heard before, even after Icicle's outburst in the last chapter.  
  
"You forgot one," said Icicle cheerfully when he seemed to have stopped.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Why, yes."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
Icicle told him. Snape then proceeded to shout that at the top of his lungs. Ron, who had had his ears plugged, gasped because he could hear this one. "Professor!" he cried. Draco was still listening to the SpongeBob theme song in his headphones (and headbanging to it, even), and so had not heard a single thing.  
  
"Shut it, Weasley, or I'll take points."  
  
"How are you going to take points away!? WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!!" screamed Icicle hysterically. She opened the car door, got out and popped up the trunk, revealing Fawkes stashed away there, because Snape refused to have him in the actual car. Fawkes, without a word, flew up and landed on her outstretched arm. She tickled his chin and started baby- talking to him, lingering particularly on "Snapey-wapey and his ^(*#@&%(* &%@(*# enchanted sissy car!"  
  
Snape got out of the driver's seat and banged his head on the roof of the car. Ron followed suit, without the banging-head-on-car part. Instead he tried walking around to talk to Icicle, but beat a hasty retreat when Fawkes snapped at him. Draco stood up and got out, looking confused. "Why've we stopped?" he asked cluelessly. Snape hexed him.  
  
"Heeey!" said Draco, feeling the unicorn horn that was now protruding from his forehead. "That wasn't very nice!"  
  
"What do we do now?" asked Icicle, leaning on her door.  
  
Snape looked at her, then at the phoenix circling above them like a rather flamboyant vulture, and got an idea. "I know! We'll send you and Draco with Fawkes to get some petrol!" He walked to the trunk, pushed the 20-lb. box of phoenix treats that Icicle had bought aside, and pulled out a gasoline can, holding it up triumphantly.  
  
"WHAT!?" screamed Icicle.  
  
"WHAT!?" yelled Draco.  
  
"WHY!?" shouted Ron.  
  
"YOU IDIOTS!" exclaimed Snape.  
  
"WAAWKK!" screeched Fawkes.  
  
"Um, won't the people here be kind of confused when they see two kids, one of whom has a horn in his head, arrive from the sky via giant bird?" asked Icicle.  
  
Snape looked at her. "Are you kidding? These people have lived through Bush."  
  
"How does that make sense!?" asked Draco.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Well, then, what do we do?"  
  
"I can cover Draco's head with a blanket and say he's got a skin condition," said Icicle.  
  
"Okay," said Snape. Fawkes landed gracefully on the car roof and cawed merrily while Icicle retrieved Ron's security blanket from the backseat and threw it over Draco's head. There was still a huge sharp lump where the horn was under the blanket. "Good enough," said Icicle.  
  
Draco conjured up an egg salad sandwich, took a bite from under the blanket, and placed it on Ron's head. "Hold this for me."  
  
Ron yelled. "Get yo' lunch offa my head, boy!"  
  
Snape conjured up a bowl of tomato soup and placed it on Ron's head. Fawkes looked around, munching on a chunk of asphalt he tore up from the road. Icicle ate a phoenix treat because everyone else seemed to be having lunch and besides, they were yummy. "Shall we be off?" she asked, brushing a few crumbs off the front of her suit and putting on her sunglasses.  
  
Draco: "Noggin!"  
  
Icicle rolled her eyes and took hold of Fawkes' tail feathers. "Take my hand," she told Draco.  
  
"I hope this bird has had a bathroom break," said Draco, grabbing her wrist as she rose off of the ground. Pretty soon, they were nothing more than a speck in the distance. Snape and Ron got back into the car and relaxed with the air conditioning on. Snape took his bowl of soup off of Ron's head and started eating it.  
  
"We're all gonna die," said Ron.  
  
"Yep," said Snape.  
  
"...So, I understand you know God personally?"  
  
"Sure do."  
  
******  
  
A/N: Wow, this is the shortest chapter I've done in a while. Lately for this story, I try to get between 5 and 7 pages on Microsoft Word, and this is just barely 5. But really, I couldn't think of a better place to end, so you'll just have to cope. ^-^ Not that I think it really matters that much. Oh yes, and bonus points to anyone who guesses what the 'I understand you know God personally' has to do with Snape. It is a reference to something else. 


	10. Trippiness, Peppiness, and Kamikaze Cows

Chapter Ten-- Trippiness, Peppiness, and Kamikaze Cows  
  
"Hey, Malfoy!"  
  
"What?" replied Draco, 500 feet above the ground and clutching Icicle's wrist.  
  
"Next time we have to travel over Texas via giant mythical bird, lay off the biscuits, will ya?"  
  
"But they're yummy!"  
  
"So's turpentine, but you see what it does to people when they eat it."  
  
"What DOES it do to people when they eat it?" Draco asked curiously.  
  
"Err...."  
  
"And how do you know, anyway?"  
  
"Um... Oh look, a gas station!" Icicle sidestepped the question, pointing to a small building just below them.  
  
"Hey, you just pointed at something," said Draco.  
  
"So?"  
  
"So you just let go of Fawkes' tail while we were at least 20 stories above the ground."  
  
"Oh yeah, huh? ...AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" she screamed as they started to plummet toward the gas station.  
  
"Wait," said Draco in mid-air. He pulled out his wand and pointed it into the sky in a random direction. "ACCIO STINKIN' SONGBIRD!!"  
  
"HEY! Don't call my baby a stinkin' song--ACK!" Icicle didn't get to complete her sentence because at that moment the stinkin' songbird accidentally thwapped her in the head on its way to Draco, knocking her ten feet to the side.  
  
Draco grabbed Fawkes' tail feathers and watched Icicle plummet to earth beside him. He laughed evilly. "HA HA HA!!" Icicle gave him the finger. But luckily for her, at that moment passing beneath them was the Mattress & Marshmallow Fluffy Things Inc. company rickshaw! Icicle crashed into the rickshaw, landing in an explosion of feathers and other poofy things that explode when you land in them. When the dust settled, the rickshaw driver ran away as fast as he could, leaving Icicle sitting in the middle of the ruined mass of wood splinters and down that was once his rickshaw. (Hey, when someone's falling 500 feet from the air, it's gonna do some damage, mm-hm.)  
  
Fawkes saw the whole thing and dive-bombed to the rickshaw, a screaming Unicorn Boy hanging on for dear life. Icicle sat up and swallowed a marshmallow. "Mm, fluffy goodness," she said. "I am enlightened!"  
  
"Enlightened as to what, dear Weasley?" asked Draco, taking a seat on a pillow next to her.  
  
"Well, I passed out mid-air there, and you know what I saw?"  
  
"Your eyelids?"  
  
"No, a duck! And the duck walked up to me, and said his name was Yukon Cornelius, and then-- then he was crushed by a flying ice cream truck. Next, I ran past an aeroplane made out of modeling clay, and fell into a swirly vortex of flying blue orbey-thingies, and died. But I actually woke up! Even though I died in the dream."  
  
"Trippy."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So, what were you enlightened as to?"  
  
"Uh... nothing, really."  
  
"Ah, I see."  
  
And they just sat there for about the next three days.  
  
***  
  
"Where the hell are those two?" Professor Snape asked sulkily, pouting at the steering wheel.  
  
"I don't know," replied Ron. "Hey, look! A cow!" He jumped up with his camera and took a picture out of his window. "Hello cow!" Click. "Such a pretty cow, huh Professor?" Click. Professor Snape just stared at him. "Ooooh, you pretty little thing you... give me pouty! Angry! ...Yes, yeees... NO! NO!" Click click click. "Okay, back up now.... cow too close..." Click. "...And I'm spent!" Ron tried throwing the camera over his shoulder, but it hit Professor Snape in the nose. "No, cow, you back up now. Go do cow stuff and-- No-- NO-- COW TOO CLOSE!! COW TOO CLOSE!!" And indeed, now the cow was trying desperately to bite the window open. Ron recoiled, climbing into Icicle's unoccupied seat.  
  
Meanwhile, Professor Snape noticed that another cow had nuzzled up against his window, trying to get in. A few more cows were approaching the car from all sides. "Um... Ron?" he asked nervously.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Are these cows friends of yours?"  
  
"Nope. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Because-- because they're assaulting my car!" Snape screamed, flinching as a particularly unsightly cow licked the windshield.  
  
Ron cursed violently. Snape gasped girlishly. "Ronald! ...You swore!"  
  
Just then, the cows began ramming the car from both sides, making it tip back and forth. Ron turned and avoided hitting his head on the wall just in time to see a brown-spotted cow rear up on its hind legs, let out an earsplitting moo of triumph, and use a wand to make an all-too-familiar skull and snake flash into the sky. Ron stared in horror. "These are... DEATH EATER COWS!!"  
  
WHUMP!  
  
"AAAHHH!!!" Ron and Snape screamed simultaneously as a huge dent appeared in the middle of the ceiling from a cow that launched itself onto the roof.  
  
***  
  
"Did you hear something?"  
  
"Nope." Icicle and Draco (still with a blanket over his head) had begun walking toward the Chevron station they'd seen earlier. Fawkes circled overhead, not able to carry them because of tail strain from the voyage. Finally they reached the station, walked inside with the gas can, and were greeted by Bridget, your friendly neighborhood Mini-Mart cashier.  
  
"Hiya!" Bridget screeched upon seeing them, shiny hair in a high ponytail and immaculate turquoise-and-purple uniform neatly dusted. This was all in sharp contrast to the conditions of Icicle Weasley and Draco Malfoy. "Nice suit!" Bridget giggled at Icicle. Icicle blinked. "Nice... er... blankie!" Bridget continued unabashed to Draco. "Like, are you a guy or a girl?"  
  
"I'm a wizard, if that's what you mean," replied Draco quickly. Icicle twitched, still staring at Bridget.  
  
Bridget giggled ditzily. "I bet you are. Happy birthday," she added, just now noticing the pointed lump where Draco's forehead would be. She turned to Icicle. "Like, I work here. How can I help you?"  
  
Icicle just stared for a few minutes, opening and closing her mouth noiselessly, before twitching a smile in response and saying, "Uh... me and my friend-- that is, me and my brother-- acquaintance-- thing-- uh, we'd like to buy -- eeuuhhh...BZT! Zzt-zt-ztt DELETE...." These last few sounds came as she spontaneously short-circuited and stared off into space behind Bridget's shoulder, mouth hanging open.  
  
Draco pushed in front of her, placing a hand on the counter impatiently. "We need petrol. How much is it?"  
  
Bridget squealed and pinched Draco's cheek through the blanket. "Aren't you just the cutest thing? I just LOVE your British accent!"  
  
Draco gnashed his teeth.  
  
Bridget turned again to Icicle, who snapped out of it. "Oh, like, that's adorable! You have such a cute little brother!"  
  
Icicle backed up hurriedly. "DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU!!" She screamed and reached into a pocket of her jacket. Draco thwacked her.  
  
Bridget raised an eyebrow. "O-kaay...."  
  
Draco slammed his fist on the counter, getting hysterical. "Jeezie Creezie, woman, just sell us the petrol and shut your pie hole before you leak stupid juice all over the place!!"  
  
"Good one, Draco," said Icicle, raising her eyebrows.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Like, fine then." Bridget, without another word, rang up their purchase (after Draco and Icicle got into an argument about whether or not to buy a candy bar for Ron) and set a gasoline can on the counter. "That'll be $10.45," she said, holding out her hand.  
  
Icicle looked at Draco. Draco looked at Icicle. "Huddle up!" Icicle shouted, turning away from Bridget with Draco. "Did you bring any money?"  
  
"No, I thought you did."  
  
"Well crap."  
  
"That isn't a good thing."  
  
"So what do we do?"  
  
Draco scratched his horn thoughtfully. "Let's grab the petrol and fly away."  
  
Icicle snapped her fingers. "Draco, you astound me."  
  
"Aw, shucks." And they turned around, smiled prettily at Bridget, grabbed the gas and ran. Fawkes met them outside and Icicle grabbed his tail while Draco clung to her arm for dear life, magicking the gas cans to follow him through the air. Several people stopped in their tracks, pulled magnificent spit-takes (regardless of whether they were actually drinking anything or not), and watched the boy, girl, and mythical bird ascend into the blue Texas sky.  
  
Bridget, at the Mini-Mart, scowled after them, all previous peppiness vanishing immediately. For, you see, Bridget (like Icicle) was a very mercurial person. Scarily so, in fact. She stomped on a red button behind the counter, pulled on the walkie-talkie that popped out of a secret compartment on the desk, and spoke rapidly into it. "This is Beta Seven speaking, repeat Beta Seven. We have two armed robbery suspects pulling a robbery at Walton and Elm. Repeat; armed suspects, robbery, Walton-Elm. That is all." Then, releasing the walkie-talkie and letting it clatter to the floor, she leaned back, crossed her arms, and sneered in a manner that was anything but benign....  
  
***  
  
And at the time all this was going on, 'Stupid Boy!' was celebrating its... seventeenth... performance. Of course, they were doing it in the stupidest way possible-- by having an indoor picnic in the theater. Squishy the cat was of course their newest cast member, perched atop Harry's head while he sang the lead vocals for 'Love Shack.'  
  
"Forget Weird Al! I have a Kitten Hat!" cried Harry idiotically, taking a sip of orange juice from a wine glass.  
  
"I can't believe we've done seventeen shows and no one's killed anyone else!" Alice said.  
  
"Shall I change that?" asked Professor Sprout, poof-ing more sandwiches to the plate in the middle of their blanket and glancing at Harry.  
  
"Not guilty," said Hunyak.  
  
"Flumduu." added Hermione. "Canada," translated Hans.  
  
Professor Sprout was visibly at the end of her rope. "What do you mean, 'Canada!?' What is wrong with you, child!?" She stood up and launched herself at Hermione, tackling her. "You're- supposed- to- be- a- PRODIGY!!" (Each of these words was punctuated with a Rubik's cube thwack.)  
  
Hermione squealed as Professor Sprout picked her up by the hair and held her off the floor. Alice gasped. "Professor! That's not very nice!!"  
  
"You put that child down this instant!" reprimanded Fred.  
  
"What did she ever do to you?" shouted George.  
  
"Noggin!" offered Harry as a few more brain cells went skittering on their way.  
  
"Aw, shaddup!" said Sprout, as Hermione crossed her arms and pouted, four inches off the ground.  
  
Just then, Dobby appeared in a poof of smoke. "You shall not hurt Hermione Granger!" he cried, then magicked Professor Sprout so that on the end of her very nose, that's right, the nose that was in the middle of the face of Professor Sprout-- that nose-- that very one, and no other, for no, no other nose was present that got this treatment-- anyways, on the end of Professor Sprout's nose there formed not one, not two, but-- okay, so there was just one... HUMONGOUS ZIT!  
  
Everyone within a 5-mile radius gasped, scarfed down a muffin, choked on the muffin, and went back to whatever they'd been doing.  
  
Fred coughed. "In the name of all that is holy, what is THAT!?"  
  
"It's a zit!" cried Alice, horrified.  
  
"No it's not! It's an ALIEN being!! I saw it breathe!!!" yelled Tiger. She then proceeded to run around in circles waving her arms madly and falling off the stage and landing in a bass drum and she cried and I like eggs and this is far too long to be any form of compound sentence known to man. Yes, Tiger is a very 'complex' character (which is just the Author's mildly deceptive way of saying that I've got no clue what's going to happen in the story yet and just write whatever comes to mind.)  
  
At that moment, Voldemort crashed through the back wall of the stage, causing a giant cloud of dust and rubble to engulf everyone momentarily. (See? I told you.) Upon seeing the zit, he hollered, "JEEZIE CREEZIE, WHAT IS THAT THING!?!" and ran away screaming, totally forgetting that he meant to kill Harry right then and there and probably would have succeeded.  
  
Professor Sprout's eyes welled up and she dropped Hermione, covering her face. "NOOOOOO! I thought zits were only for adolescents and unhygienic older people!!"  
  
"Apparently not," said Harry.  
  
"Let's play cards!" said Alice.  
  
"Let's not," said Tiger, simply to be argumentative.  
  
"Fine by me," said Fred and George.  
  
Hunyak nodded.  
  
Hermione was unconscious because of the hair-pulling-ness.  
  
Sprout ran off crying.  
  
So, Harry, Alice, Fred, and George pulled out a deck of cards and began playing Go Fish. Tiger and Hunyak watched.  
  
*BZT*  
  
----  
  
A/N: And once again, it took me forever to post this chapter. But on the plus side, it's my birthday!! ^_^ *Idiotic grin* I'm turning-- 


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